Prologue/Epilogue

The night before my A Levels results were released, I wrote a journal entry titled Prologue/Epilogue. I didn't know what my results would turn out to be, and in turn what future I was going to lead. I felt fear at the thought of leaving the country, and yet I could not imagine myself here. 

A week has passed, and apparently I've done great enough to pursue my childhood dreams of spending my uni days in the UK. My reaction surprised even myself - I was at quite a bit of a loss. I wanted this, and yet longed for the life I am yet to leave behind. I stay up at night thinking about how I could come up with ways to stop time, to cup the faces of my friends, family, as they laugh with me, to whisper please. Just please. Somehow that says more than whatever it is I'm feeling and can say. 

I bid adieu to the life I'm leaving behind, to the person I used to be, and simultaneously fall and rise at this farewell. I worry a lot, as is my wont, and I will myself to stop, so I can smell the roses on my way, so that I can focus on what is immediately in front of me, instead of miles away. That way I worry less. That way things don't seem to be flying out of my grasp. 

My heart soars at the love I have gained in the past year, and the person I've found myself to be over that same period of time. And I know - I'll find myself even more through this journey, insha Allah. I just need to be strong. 

July Recap

 I can feel Taylor's Swifts 'august' unfrosting and I'm here for it. There's a bittersweetness in my heart in acknowledging another month passing. It's a day to August and I still mix up the years 2024 with 2023. Maybe it's post-quarantine brain (quarantine was nearly 4 years ago). 

I thought I'd make monthly recaps at the end of every month a thing now just for fun. To summarize the month as a whole. July didn't start out too great - I received news that I didn't think I'd get and not the good kind. My heart was so unbelievably sore and bad memories and thoughts haunted me that first week or two of July. I think I'm doing better now, but some days I fall into that downward spiral once more and find it hard to keep my chin up to seek out the better joys I believe I'll find. 

What consoled me that first week of July was a short trip to the East Coast which coupled as a visit to one of my closest friends who's studying there (if you're reading this Safwa I wish you all the best in your exams!!!!!!!). We spent a day together and mostly under the Sun near the beach. It wasn't much and I wished later that we'd hung out some more. But the time we did spend together felt like a hug for my then battered soul. It felt nice to just be around the comfort of a close friend who knows you nearly as much as you know yourself. Those hours we sat in tired silence after an evening at the beach was sweet to me. 

That night we had tomyam that we had to wait for nearly an hour to get served!!!! A quaint stall in front of our hotel. The food wasn't bad, service could've been fixed, but the workers were charming, especially the waiter who ended up sitting at our table like a mafia boss to re-list our order.

Safwa at the beach :)

The next day my family and I had a day to ourselves where we set out to Kerteh, a small town in Terengganu where we used to live for 2-3 years. Memories flooded back when we strolled our old neighbourhood and passed by my siblings' and my old schools. Memories of a neighbour friend and I cycling the deserted streets of the neighbourhood and practically having full reign over the place was bliss. I can't get that kind of road confidence here in KL. Too many cars for my liking. 

Ihsan finally hitting the beach the morning of our last stay.

I visited two beaches this month, too, which is great because I absolutely adore the beach. The first trip was so very healing to me, and I felt a gazillion times better on the way back to KL, and I believe I have that excursion to thank. The second time I went was in Tanjung Tuan, with a group of my close college friends. We'd been talking about taking a trip together for so long that I was elated when the plans FINALLY made it out of the group chat. 

We planned a picnic and extensive hike (that me and another 2 out of 5 of our friend group severely underestimated. I'm still suffering muscle ache and sores). Despite the hellish hike I had the time of my life with my girls that day. It was a day trip to Tanjung Tuan, regarding which I'm still not sure where it is. Melaka? Port Dickson? Their border? 

In a nutshell, July didn't start out great, but it sure is ending on a good note :). I'll miss these trips one day, as I already do. Definitely some good mom-lore for the kids one day hehe. 

Hurricanes and Others

 These last few days have been somewhat of eye-openers for me. Not in the obvious sense. I notice myself wanting to break out of habits, and go back to old ones that I realize did me more good than I ever realized. The videos on my for-you page have been giving me signs as well, or rather, have been translating into signs from Allah.

Just earlier I came across a video talking about 'coincidences' not being the appropriate name for things that happen in that regard - every ant that walks the Earth is allowed to do so by Allah, and not a bird flies without Him knowing. If even the most miniscule of things are taken care of by Him, what more our daily affairs?

The video talked about Allah being what His servants think of Him. If we believe He has a better plan for us, it will be true. If we believe He is abandoning us, so be it. I like to remind myself and believe that Islam is a religion of manifestation, that you must first believe it to see it. 

These last few months have been a bit of a hurricane for me, a storm, if you will. I've felt as if nothing has been going my way, the way that I have so carefully planned out. And admittedly it has been hard to keep faith, to see the good in all that was happening. I feared for my mental and spiritual state. I'm quite aware of how preachy this all might sound, too. 

But lately I've been trying to get back on it. I've realized that these things, they are sometimes easier said than done. Very very much easier said than done. In those few months I felt my life shipwreck, I didn't even want to hear statements like that thrown about. But lately it has been easier, and it has felt better to have hope in the plans of The Divine. 

It has felt like I had to atone for some grave sin, from the looks of how things were going recently. I was feeling this very intensely one day. Then on that same day a video found me, and it said "Allah does not give you things because of who you are, but rather because of His mercy" and that struck a chord. We do not achieve things primarily because of our efforts - while it is important that we put in the hustle, it is secondary. We are blessed with such things because of His mercy. Realizing this has drastically changed my views and how I ask things from Allah. It has calmed me, too. 

Okay, enough of being preachy. I hope you have stayed all the way here to the end. This is just something I felt like I needed to get off of my chest. In realization of all this, I realize maybe this hurricane is not sweeping me up to kill me - when the dust settles, and I finally feel the ground beneath my feet again, I will wound up in a heaven on Earth of my kind, in some place I never dreamed of being in, but have always wanted to be in, insha Allah. 

Salam, semua. 

Cleopatra and Frankenstein

 I read Coco Mellors' debut novel Cleopatra and Frankenstein without recommendation or review - which was a rare moment for me. The artful cover enticed me and I wanted it on my shelves immediately. Happy to say there've been no regrets in that purchase. 

The book depicts the messiness of one's 20s, with Cleo being young and finding her way and true self in life. It ends with Cleo eventually settling down in Paris or Rome or some place like that and her being in this true sense of calm and collected, finally having found her calling in life. 

I think about that book often and sometimes wonder when it will catch up to me, if some parts will come relatable to me at all. Some - the urge to make a name for yourself, the maddening need to ensure you're on the right path to becoming a useful person in society, the sense of loss thinking that you're not doing something useful in your life - have made a home in my mind and find myself battling them regularly. Sometimes these thoughts can be so overwhelming that I have the urge to start tweaking on the floor, just twitching and screaming. 

There are so many self help books out there, and my theory is that people write and put those books out there as self assurance to tell themselves that they've got this and they've figured it out and so it makes them eligible to yap about their lives and how they've made it. I don't think anyone's made it though. I think we're all just floating about in our insecurity, making do with whatever nuggets of reassurance we can make for ourselves, or, in the rare occasion, others can provide. 

6 years!

 Hello there!

Gosh I CANNOT believe it's been 6 years. Hi! Please, casually take my return instead of treating it like I was away for more than half a decade. Time has been kind and unkind, and dwindling with its stories! I have tons to tell, but maybe I'll save it for my sought out autobiography one day. Let's focus on the now and to come. 

But of course, some must-updates: finished highschool, got out (would it be offensive to say thank God?), went to college (absolutely love this arc in my life), finished A levels and currently awaiting results. After that? Who knows! I dare not say. Especially not after the way things have been unfolding. I believe (and some days I try very hard to) that things have been going the way they have as a reminder or rescue for me. You know what they say - when the universe does not give you something, it is saving you from something. I guess drinking this statement to the point of intoxication is better than getting drunk on the misery of things falling out of the crevices you've carved so hard for them to be in. Better to see the glass half full than half empty anyway. 

A friend and fellow writer of mine recently reminded me of how much I used to love writing, and inevitably became my sign to get back on that horse. I have been thinking of it these last few days, and as it has become harder to churn out a story lately, I thought I'd start here, with funny ramblings and my two cents about my life to get me going. 

I guess that's all for now. I write these words with my cat Lucy curled up next to me. She does so love sleeping. I'll be back!!! No more abandoning sites for 6 years. 

I've missed you all! I'd say please ignore all the unabashed writing of my youth, but would that be dismissive of my growth? I guess we all had to start somewhere.